UNDERSTANDING TRAUMA RESPONSES
Living with and loving a child who carries trauma pain through their daily life is a humbling and exhausting experience. As parents, the good news is that healing happens, especially when a child has safe, consistent, and loving people to care for them.
These children have been on a harrowing journey and their strength and ability to keep going, even when the world feels dangerous and frightening is an incredible thing to be a part of. It also means day-to-day life is demanding, unusual, chaotic, scary, rewarding, and at times bizarrely funny.
Trauma can look like a lot of different things and manifest itself in different ways. It can be rooted in deep psychological wounds such as separation from their biological family, neglect, and abuse. It can also happen prenatally. Sometimes the effects are conscious—a child can’t stop thinking about the trauma. Other times, the effects are unconscious—they might be jumpy or anxious, but not understand why. The loss, abuse, neglect, or abandonment a child experiences, changes the neurobiology of the brain. Even infants separated from their birth mother experience a degree of trauma that impacts their neurobiological development. The amygdala, the area of the brain responsible for survival, gets activated and turns on our “fight, flight, freeze or fawn” response. When the survival brain gets turned on, it turns off other areas of the brain responsible for regulation, language, and executive functioning skills, which can make simple tasks and experiences really hard for children.
So how can we parent in an effective way when our kids are impacted by trauma?
As you work to understand and recognize your child's trauma responses, there are 3 key things to keep in mind.
Connect
Our kids have been harmed through relationships, and they need to experience healing through relationships as well. Trauma can cause kids to display disruptive behavior. Remember, many of our kids have an over-activated amygdala, so you may experience them becoming deregulated for prolonged periods of time, or engaging in baffling behaviors. The natural reaction might be to disconnect (e.g., send them to their room). But this can exacerbate the separation that kids have already experienced. Instead, remain connected by engaging in a “time in” where you stay connected.Think Survival, Not Disobedience
One game-changer for many parents is when they begin to think of their child’s behavior in terms of survival, not disobedience. For many kids who have experienced trauma, they did what they needed to do in order to survive (e.g., aggressive behavior, hoarding food). It takes time for children to learn new behaviors that work in their new safe environment. Verbal affirmations and reassurances can be very helpful. For example, you could say “I will keep you safe; you are loved.” Or, you could let your child keep a snack in their backpack as a physical reminder that you will feed them and their needs will be met.Find Support
It’s better if you get help sooner rather than later. All children who have come to our families through adoption or foster care have experienced trauma, grief, and loss. It’s important to let children know that their voice matters. Working with a trained child therapist who specializes in trauma and adoption and foster care-related issues can be a big support to your child and you as a parent. Also, think of yourself and connect with our network of others who understand.
WORKBOOK
What Survival Looks Like For Me
Fill in this workbook with your child to help you both understand what is going on in their inner world. This is a great tool to share with any of your child's caregivers or teachers.
Source: http://www.innerworldwork.co.uk/
When you understand the origin of behaviour, your entire perspective changes.
What survival (Trauma Response) can look like for a child
WHEN I AM IN FREEZE RESPONSE I FEEL LIKE...
I am a failure, you are going to send me away
I can’t be who you want me to be
I am not worth bothering with
I feel shame, I hate myself
I need to get somewhere safe, I don’t know what’s going to happen
I am an outsider, I don’t belong here with you
I can’t do this and you will get rid of me when you realize
I am humiliated, embarrassed
I’m scared, I need to feel safe,
I can’t bear your rejection
WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Bored, not interested
Confused, forgetful
Distracted, not listening
Clumsy
Talking about something else, moving you on
Not moving to where you’ve asked me to be
Standing still/sitting still (hanging/lounging about)
Finding it hard to stay focused on what you’ve asked me to do
Scanning the room
Wide eyed, my pupils might dilate
Zoned out, daydreaming, staring into space
WHAT I AM AWARE OF
My heart is beating faster, my breathing is faster
My brain is slowing down
I am under attack
I can’t do what you have asked
I am terrified
I am trying to think of something that makes me feel safe
Background noises, I can hear what is going on around me without needing to specifically focus
The tone of your voices rather than the words, I can hear you’re getting frustrated with me
Feeling deeply anxious
I need to get ready to protect myself
I am looking for where the danger is coming from
HOW MY BODY FEELS
Frozen brain
Under attack
If I don’t move you can’t see me
Everything feels like a dream
Ready to fight and defend myself
Very scared
In a fog, disconnected, numb
My pulse rate is going up
My muscles are tensing, my hands might clench into fists
Some sounds are louder and some more distant, I can’t focus on what is being said but I can clearly hear the tone.
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME FEEL SAFE AGAIN
Stay with me, don’t leave me alone
Tell me I’m ok and that I am safe with you
Watching TV with me
Deep breathing
Spinning on a swing, climbing, and hanging
Rolling or cycling down a hill
Digging in the garden or in some sand
Jumping on a trampoline
Carry out the chore you have asked me to do with me
Gently wonder where I have gone and invite me back to the room
If I have forgotten what I was supposed to be doing, remind me again gently
Hot chocolate and a piece of crunchy toast
A nice warm bath and a warm towel
Put a soft teddy in bed with me
WHEN I AM IN FLIGHT RESPONSE I FEEL LIKE...
I need to get out of here, I am in danger
I need to find somewhere safe
I want to escape but I can’t
The people I am with, can not keep me safe
If I do not leave the situation I may die
I am not as important as my sister/brother/cousin/friend
I am not worth much, I am worth nothing at all
I am completely alone in this world
I must not show how I feel to anyone, they won’t want me anymore
I must not tell anyone how I feel, they won’t want me anymore
I don’t belong here, I am not part of this family
WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hyperactive, manic, giddy, silly
Aggressive, threatening: stiffening up or clenching fists
Faking or making myself sick
Defiant
Running away, escaping, disappearing, hiding under the table/bed/sofa
Clumsy
Disruptive, loud and noisy
Impulsive or unsafe actions
looking life I don't care about others
Not coping with unstructured time to play
Unable to follow house rules, avoiding what you’ve asked me to do
Lonely
Keeping super busy
Baby talk/silly voices
Bumping into people
Needing to get into the car/house/park first
WHAT I AM AWARE OF
Vigilant to what is around me, everything feels like a threat
Sudden noises (you probably won’t be able to hear them)
Overwhelmed, I am overstimulated, I can’t cope or focus
Noise levels
The tone of your voice
Worrying about what is happening next
How far away I am from being safe
I need to get out of here – now
Lonely, even though you are nearby
Panicky
Feeling bad, movement is distracting
Shame
Anxious, apprehensive
HOW MY BODY FEELS
Terrified
Nauseous
jumpy and tense
My joints are painful
Increased sweating
Numb
Racing thoughts
Sometimes Hallucinations
I feel like I’m vibrating
My breathing is getting quicker, I am ready to run and escape
My muscles are tensing so I can fight my way past, ready for action
My heart is beating faster and faster - my pulse is going up and my heart is racing
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME FEEL SAFE AGAIN
Keep me close by
Find me again – happily or at least patiently
Deep breathing
Give me a familiar and easy chore to do
Crunchy foods – carrot sticks, a cookie, a rice cake, or chips
Tell me that I am safe with you
Modeling calming techniques
Hanging from monkey bars
Talk through what you think I am finding tricky using a kind voice
Heavy blankets
Create a safe space where I can hide away when I need to
Tug of war
Cup of warm milk or a hot chocolate
Hot water bottle and a soft teddy
Recognize you might not find ’normal’ family life-threatening, but I might see things you can’t
Accept that if I feel threatened, it’s not just messing about or horseplay to me, I feel in real danger.
If you send me off to do something and I forget, don’t make it a big thing, just patiently ask me again
Give me safe ways to run
WHEN I AM IN FIGHT RESPONSE I FEEL LIKE...
I can’t be cross at the people I really want to be cross at
I wish I had people who loved me
I wish I could go somewhere safe
I am so unlovable, I want to die
I wish I could talk to you
I wish I was wanted, why wasn't I good enough?
I’m going to push you away before you get rid of me
I wish you would notice how scary this all is, I feel so unsafe
I need to be in control and make things more predictable
WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hot and bothered
Argumentative, angry, and aggressive
Controlling, demanding, and inflexible
Lie or blaming
Unable to concentrate on one thing
Unable to follow the house rules
Confrontational
Disrespectful
Disregarding of others, pushing away friends/family members
Shouting, loud and noisy
Immature
WHAT I AM AWARE OF
I am in danger, I need to escape
I’m really scared, if I hit first, I might survive this
If I am disruptive, I might be able to escape
I need to get out of here, it’s too dangerous
No-one likes me, I am all alone, I am invisible
I am not worth bothering about, I feel bad
I have no real friends/family, they are all pretending to like me
I don’t belong here
You don’t listen so I'll just say what you want, just to make you go away
I am not as good as my sister/brother/cousin/friend, you don’t really want me
No one really cares whether I am here or not, I am unimportant
I can’t trust anyone
HOW MY BODY FEELS
Tense, I am ready for action
Over alert, my heart is beating so loud I can hear it
Nauseous
Faint or dizzy
Terrified
I can’t cope
I am so alone, you don’t understand
I need to laugh hysterically
I need to cry, I am so upset
I am worthless
I am ugly inside and out, no-one wants me here, you hate me
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME FEEL SAFE AGAIN
Tell me you love me even though my behavior pushes you away
Don’t punish me for being cross; reward me with your kindness and love for getting calm again
Keep me safe from hurting myself
Match my energy
Deep breathing
Chewy foods
Support me socially
Hanging, swinging and climbing
Warm bath with lots of bubbles
Warm milk or a hot chocolate
Hot water bottle
A super-soft teddy and/or blanket
Give me something to do that makes me feel important
Connect with me and show me empathy before exploring the consequences of my behavior
Let me have somewhere safe to go to so I can calm down with or without you
Make things predictable. Tell me about changes before they happen, especially if strangers are coming into the house or I have to go somewhere new
Accept I might not know why I behaved in that way & I might not remember what happened
Listen and acknowledge how I feel, even if you see it differently, it will help me feel listened to
WHEN I AM IN FAWN RESPONSE I FEEL LIKE...
Hurting myself helps me to feel something (self-harm)
Drinking alcohol or taking drugs, helps me to feel happy
If I join in on social media, I can talk to strangers who don’t judge me and might care for me
I’m not as good as everyone else, I am useless
This isn’t going to get any better so I might as well give up
No-one would care or notice if I live or die
It’s all my fault, I am unlovable
I can’t win in this world - I’ll never be safe, nothing will feel ok
I want to die, I already feel dead inside
WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Quiet, low mood
Alone or withdrawn
Fidgety but not disruptively so - anxious
Never questioning or asking questions, never drawing unnecessary attention to myself
Yes or no answers
Doing just enough to avoid being noticed, unable to think
Quiet and passive, compliant, resigned to my fate
WHAT I AM AWARE OF
I am so tired
I must put on a brave face
You don’t really care about me, I am so lonely
If I do what you want, you will leave me alone
Tummy aches
If I just sit here, you won’t notice me
If I sit over there, you won’t notice me
I can’t think straight
I need to be like my sister/brother/cousin/friend so I don’t stand out
I am sad
I feel dead inside
HOW MY BODY FEELS
Exhausted, worn out, I have no energy
Depressed or anxious
Worthless
Guilty, it’s all my fault
Like crying or screaming
I can’t sleep
Unable to relax or enjoy anything
Unable to care
Poorly, it’s giving up
HOW YOU CAN HELP ME FEEL SAFE AGAIN
See me, listen to me
Give me small repetitive things to do
Weighted blanket
Building with Lego or Play-doh
Tell me I am safe
Deep breathing
Swinging
Let me spend quiet time just with you
Understand that social media might symbolizes a comforting connection
Hot chocolate and a crunchy cookie
Wrap me up in a soft blanket and let me watch TV
Understand that playing computer games, lets me be by myself somewhere safe
Recognize I am hurting inside and might need professional help
Know that I am easily bullied, look out for this rather than expect me to tell you.
Appreciate I will say whatever I think you want me to say
Be aware that I am an easy target and can be coerced easily to keep the peace
Appreciate I cannot cope being the center of attention or the focus person
Watch for me removing myself, standing on the outside of what is going on
A warm bath and a warm towel
Warm pyjamas